Ashford (Middlesex) Hockey Club

Ashford 1 Maidstone 4

Wokingham 1’s 6 Ashford 2’s 3

Ashford 4’s 0 Leighton Buzzard 2’s 7

Eastcote 8’s 1 Ashford 5’s 1

It was Groundhog Day again for the Red-and-Blacks as they played well and for much of the game out-played their mid-table opposition, Maidstone, but once again they were outdone by counter-attacking and better finishing. Maidstone have the leading goalscorer in Prem A this season in Chris Bassano-Harper and despite an even first half, were 2-up at the break. Coach Duncan Mahony scored a terrific goal early in the second half but as Ashford pressed for an equaliser were undone by a classic counter-attack. Young Shanie White hit the post from a drag-flick shortie and that might have set up a grandstand finish but an overtime-converted short corner by Bassano-Harper gave the final score a flattering look for the visitors. 2 notable things about this game were the 2 ‘debutantes’ for the home team, Joe Siman was playing at the bottom of the league rung against Ashford 5’s not long ago but rose up effectively 14 leagues (which coincides with the number of hairs on his head) to play a very impressive first-ever game at left back! The second debut was like something out of a Frankenstein movie – thunder and lightning flashed, the crowd started baying for no reason and where did they get those scythes and torches come from? With Spanky impersonating Igor, no make-up required, there was a crackling eldritch transformation in the home dug-out and out of the smoke and fog lurched - the horror! - the creaking 46-year-old Neil Smith, due to help out the 3’s, who came on when 14-year-old Phil Thelip was injured to give an effervescent display at right back and too many ‘Gretsky’s’ to count…he must be on commission…

The 2’s were nearly on fire shooting into a 3-2 lead with goals from Rosie and Ryan and had a Shaunie short corner disallowed for dipping above the backboard (before hitting it) which would have been 4-2 – they then ran out of steam and lost 6-3 to Wokingham 1’s.

The 4’s played Leighton Buzzard 2’s who were suspiciously good given they are 3^rd from bottom. The 4’s did ever so well to hold them to half-time but once they conceded an early goal in the second half, it all got a bit difficult for them.

The 5’s had a good game and result although will be disappointed to concede a late equaliser, young Luke scored for us.

Teddington 5 Ashford 2

Ashford 2’s 0 Aylesbury 1’s 7

Harrow 1’s 5 Ashford 3’s 0

Ashford 4’s 4 OH Fledglings 6

Leighton Buzzard 4’s 7 Ashford 5’s 0

The 1’s lost 5-2 after being 3-down at half time. They were well in the game first half and in fact dominated the first 10 minutes but Teddington had a good forward who was that bit sharper in front of goal. Second half the boys as usual kept plugging away and were rewarded when Justin scored a very good goal…apparently my unnamed source said Justin played within himself and used his brain…sound to me very much like the Pillar of Black Smoke Monster from Lost has taken over our insane Saffer but if he plays better and stays on the pitch, then who cares? Anyway second half was 2-all with Angry Dave lashing in another Big One…hope he did his Manly Roar…

The 2’s and 3’s made up for being pretty good last week by being pretty rubbish this week. The 3’s weren’t helped by a perplexing short corner from which Harrow scored their first one but seeing as we were rubbish the 15 minutes before the goal and most of the rest of the game, well we can’t complain too much (so I’m complaining a bit).

The game was overshadowed when Ryan ‘Zim’ Dare (only he and little Stef played well of our outfield players) was felled blocking a shot. A complete accident, the forwards stick rode up Ryan’s and cracked him on the back of the head and he was out for a few seconds and well woozy and had to go to hospital. He Is Fine…Update from his Dad was…’that the hospital let him out on Sunday with a big box of pain killers and six staples in his head. He was at school on Monday, even though he’s got a pretty savage headache (which is to be expected!). Staples come out on Friday.’ Anyway, important thing is it was a long corner…

We have a wooden spoon game against GX next week and I trust we have reserved our good play for that game!

The 4’s had a cracker of a game against one of the best sides in the league, Oxford Hawks Fledglings, and lost 6-4 with a goal disallowed that would have made it 5-all!! Weapon X got a hat trick and younger bro’, Weapon Alpha, the other. Fledglings scored all the goals from short corners of which they had about 20 while we had none at all, apparently a very open game!!

The 5’s did fantastically well to get a side out – they had 10 but with players out Orex did a great job! – but it was a bit tough!

Ashford 0 Staines 3

Ashford 2’s 7 (Rosie 4, Shaunie 3) Mill Hill 1’s 1

Ashford 3’s 0 Newbury & Thatched Roof 2’s 2

Apologies for tardiness and reduced burble-ocity too – I’ve had to do some work this week. Shorn of 4 of their squad for various reasons, the 1’s stood up well to our neighbours who still harbour hopes of winning the league. We lost 3-0; nevertheless they can be happy with their performance if not result and, in particular, the second half, where Staines were only able to convert a debatable penalty. James Wheeler had a spectacular game in goal as Staines dominated early doors and could have had the game won in the first 20 minutes. They converted only one of 8 short corners and then added another with another deflected short corner to lead by 2 goals to nil at half time. Andy Barnes marshalled his defence superbly in the second half as Ashford held Staines but as has proven the problem this season, could not convert their pressure into goals. Coach Duncan Mahony said after the game ‘I’m proud of the lads, they never give up and the second half played some fantastic stuff, we just need to do it for the 70 minutes.

The 2nds had the result of their season earning some measure of revenge for their 10-4 drubbing earlier in the season by Mill Hill, Rosie and Shaunie were on fire scoring all 7 goals.

The 3’s had a great game against N&T riding high in second. One-nil down for a long period, as has happened often this season, but we did create chances and should have equalised though the visitors were profligate in front of goal to be honest. Their umpire ignored a stone-cold penalty when Jonno was upended by the keeper (missed ball, got player), which could have meant 1-all. As it was they finally got the second with 12 minutes to go, however we really played well, little Stef and Ryan (Zim) came in and were fantastic and Lukey was a revelation up front

4’s and 5’s got a bit drubbed but the oppo were well knackered by the end

Brighton 4 Ashford 0

Ashford 2’s 1 (Elliot) Eastcote 2’s 7

City of Oxford 3 Ashford 3’s 2 (Dash, Adam H)

Ashford 4’s 2 (Stef, ‘K’) Maidenhead Magicians 4

Amersham & Chalfont 5’s 0 Ashford 5’s 3 (Weapon X!)

A familiar story for the 1’s – a great effort by the lads with a lot to applaud but little going their way. The first goal was a cross volleyed in by Luke who had a fantastic captain’s game. The second came from a chance for Duncan saved by the keeper and went to their right back – 10 seconds later, they have scored! Spoke to 3 of the team and they said the same thing, team played well and never gave up. Staines this week and a similar performance with a couple of goals please!!

2’s could not maintain their improved performances of late and lost 7-1

3’s were oh so close but ultimately paid for a poor start. City of Oxford bossed us about as we played without cohesion and just when we’d started to sort ourselves out, a deflected cross set up their forward for their first after 20 minutes. A short that wasn’t a short was their second. Despite the fluffy hair, Shaggy has re-invented himself as our ruthless, hard man Douglas Jardine even questioning an umpire’s decision?!! And telling Gordo ‘less hopeful passes please’, withering stuff.

Interesting difference in the 2 umpires wrt young Dom, who  has been playing central defense for the past few weeks and whose play has been ’robust’ and very effective - one who had no problem with his play and the other blew pretty much everything against him which made things difficult for us particularly in the first half.

Second half, we played well and it was a competitive game. 10/12 minutes in and Chris D used his most potent weapon i.e. his bum to hold off their midfielder, he then played in Dash who ran the ball 30-odd yards before rounding the keeper with aplomb to score…game on… except we then conceded a third…Dash and Adam H then played some lovely one-two hockey for Adam to score to set up a frantic last 5 minutes but we need to make a bit more of our pressure if we want to get a positive result.

4’s had a great game against Maidenhead – they lost 4-2 but the young lads and old’uns really gelled…apparently it was a quick, flowing, high-standard game and we can be very pleased with our boys. Interesting to see not-so-young Big John playing left half and putting in his claim for moving up a team!!

5’s won 3-0 and it wasn’t a walkover! Even-Stevens at half time, they managed to pass the ball to Weapon X who got a hat trick and the 5’s are nestled in the lofty heights of mid-table!!

Ashford 1’s 2 Oxford Uni 6

Ramgharia Sabha 1’s 5 Ashford 2’s 2

Ashford 3’s 0 Aylesbury 2’s 4

Ashford 5’s 0 Brunel Uni 1’s 9

An encouraging performance from the Red-and-Blacks, they played with some teeth going forward and generated chances and pressure against a useful Oxford Uni outfit. The visitors had an impressive drag-flick routine that generated 2 goals into the top left corner and a penalty flick when Andy Barnes impressive stomach stopped a goal bound shot. These goals took the game away from Ashford who continued to play good hockey throughout, Shane White zipped one over the onrushing keeper from a pass from Angry before Angry got one himself wobbling though on his bionic knees and lashing the ball home. Nice manly roar afterwards too!

The 2’s continued their good form from last week but leaked goals conceding one in the first minute – 2-1 down at half time, they took the game to Ramgharia but got caught on the break and lost 5-2, Rosie and Weapon X scoring. Well done to Amit for managing not to get sent off by Daddy and Pud stayed on pitch too!

3’s was very similar to last week being 1-0 down for much of the game against a top 3 Aylesbury team though this week we did create chances (Freddie took a shortie and smacked a cracking, rising shot but their defender hadn’t read my script and made a top save on the line, their keeper made a full length save from Gordo and another good save from DM among them) but we gotta stick one in, 1-all and it would have been game on, they scored their second 15 minutes into the second half and that was that and then added 2 more in last 5 minutes which was a bit harsh. Captain Shaggy, indie rocker Adam and HisBand and Ding Dong Bell hadn’t slept properly for 3 days and were coach-lagged from their skiing trip but it was good of them to turn out and help the club.

4’s game was cancelled due to snow in Oxford but, even though it might not sound it, the best performance was the 5’s against Brunel Uni 1’s. 7-0 down at half time and playing a team who pretty much all would be in our top 3 teams and one of their lads was absolute quality, they played out of their skin in the second half. Putting Lucas, our ability-challenged Belgian on their best player was a masterstroke and they had to wait 26 mins to score their next goal before adding no. 9 as I breathed in to blow the full time whistle. Well done lads, even Bobby played well!!

Tulse Hill & Dulwich 1 Ashford 0

Ashford 2’s 3 (Fry, Rosie, Symes) Rover Oxford 2

Ashford 3’s 0 Leighton Buzzard 3

Ashford 4’s – walkover

West Hampstead 8’s 5 Ashford 5’s 0

The 1’a had a right-old tussle with Tulse Hill but could not score the goal their play deserved – they dominated most of the game forcing 7 short corners to the oppo 2 and had other chances but they needed the confidence a goal will bring – and it didn’t. so another defeat albeit a close one. Coach Dunc was pleased with the performance and the fact the side kept going all game.

This could be front page news for the Staines & Ashford News this week…not only did the 2’s not lose, not only did they get the first points of the season, Gordon Bennet!! They got all 3 points!! Yes they finally seem to have grasped the concept that if they concede less goals than they score, they have a good chance of wining the game! Rover Oxford did help a bit as they missed 2 virtual open goals before Fry scored from close range just before the break. A very, open loose game – this was fun to watch as anything could have happened – also Neil was playing again displaying his Gretsky in all its wonder, and talking a good game. Having conceded an equaliser, BigEll did a wonderful accidental dummy which confused his marker, got the ball to Rosie who spun and pelted down the wing before slipping the ball to Elliot who had continued his run and his rather modest shot went straight through the keepers legs! Of course the oppo equalised again and both sides could have scored – and some of the boys, Smart for example, could barely move by the end, but for a change our lads had that little bit of luck you need sometimes and 5 minutes to go, Rosie scored from close range and we held on for a sweet 3 points.

The 3’s were unfortunate to lose 3-0, LB scored in the last minute, majority of the game was 1-0 and we had chances to equalise – and if we had, you never know – but we didn’t, we know – and once LB got the second that was it. Not a bad performance against a first team but we should be a bit disappointed.

The 4’s have sealed coming not-bottom with Harrow conceding – they couldn’t get a second team out – and the 5’s had a friendly game with a strong West Hampstead outfit but are still flying high in their league (well compared to the rest of us)…

The 1’s followed on nicely from last week, playing really well for the first 10 minutes and must have surprised Purley Wal’s with their pace and silky team work. Unfortunately we were up against a team who had a couple of quality finishers and they were able to convert a proportion of their chances whereas we couldn’t and the Red-and-Blacks found themselves 5 down in a half where they had just as much play as the oppo! There was only one goal in the second half which rightly went to our boys, Matty Emmerton – literally on goal scoring fire - scoring with a vicious tomahawk reverse-smack.

The 2’s struggled again and can look forward to a break now and hopefully be recharged for the restart.

The 3’s played really well again following on from last week and I know we surprised Sonning with the quality of our play (two of them said after the game ‘ we were surprised with the quality of your play’) – we just couldn’t give the keeper enough to do and the Croxster was pretty busy having to deal with 3 1-on-1’s but he seems to handle them alright so might as well let him get on with it! Mark Bell has joined the team this season and has joined the mini-team we have in the 3’s who like - no prefer no demand - to play with one hand. Anyway on this form Ding Dong will soon be knocking on the 2’s door.

The 4’s had no game but the 5’s had a fun game against Staines 6’s – one down they came back with a cracker from Mr Singh, 2-1 down and then our equaliser was a present for young Luke and then, controversy, a penalty for Staines. Thank the entity of your choice for ‘Dan’ Dare who dived full length belying his age and disability allowance – the wrong way - and it hit the post. Huzzah!!!

Sunbury 1’s 4 Ashford 2’s 0

Ashford 3’s 3 (Bert (2), Freddie) Eastcote 4’s 3

Ashford 4’s (Mandip)1 Eastcote 6’s 3

There was a definite theme to the games for the 1’s, 3’s and 4’s – performances of effort, belief and no little quality but none of them getting the reward they deserved.

The 2’s were doomed from the moment the team sheet appeared and had 4 Smiths in it – the high point of the game apart from a spirited goalless second half was the return of the Neil Smith ‘Gretsky’ slap which the kids were wowed by. Stand by for some very poor attempts at it in colt’s games this weekend!

OMG the 3’s didn’t lose! And we are now Not Bottom!!!!!!!!! Ultimately disappointing because we were 3-2 up with 5 mins to go but it was a terrific game against Eastcote 4’s and a perfect fillip to our pummelling the previous week. We played some terrific team hockey and really got stuck in, came back from 1 down and 2-1 down to lead before the final equaliser, Bert getting 2 and Freddie the other. We defended well and gave the Croxster a bit of respite, the midfield competed all game and one of the goals featuring DM, Fred, a great dummy run by the Bellster and finished off by Bert was fantastic and belied our lowly position. We did completely disobey the half time instructions, which were to ‘keep it tight for the first 10 minutes.’ Shaggy went off on one of his headless runs and did his batty-boy hit with his hands apart which never works except it bounced through to Bert who equalised – after about 30 seconds!! No we played really well and if we’d converted one of our chances at 3-2, we would have definitely won but overall a fair result.

A very young 4’s played a very canny Eastcote 6’s and worked their socks off, little Stef and Blake tormented them in the first half and they were unfortunate on the play to be 2-down at half time. Which soon became 3 but they kept plugging away and got one when old boy Mandip deflected a cross in – looked like he mis-controlled it but he was adamant he meant it!

The 5’s were pummelled I’m afraid but at least it’s all over, we did score a goal through Weapon X, and they have a Staines game to look forward to this week.

…plus Quiz Night highlights…

Another difficult day for the Red-and-Black boys apart from the 5’s who are shooting up the table, unfortunately another cancellation. One small crumb of comfort is despite losing all the players we have this season, we are still getting 5 teams out.

Other games, oi vey, 38 goals, just the 9.5 average goals per game. The 1’s may have lost to Chichester but, crikey, they drank the fixture back in the bar and put the home team to shame. Shy, retiring Justine decided to liven up proceedings with some pint races and after disposing of 2 of the team, the call went out to Chichester to put forward a man, or woman, to take on our rambunctious Saffer. Of course, they all wimped out so up stepped the coach, Dunc, who just edged out the champion whose response to losing was to then take on skipper, Luke, for a 4th pint race in 15 minutes or so. My informant couldn’t tell me who won that as he was laughing so much and the place was in uproar by now!! Think this might have affected Justine’s Quiz Night performance (he fell asleep but was conscious by the end and last punter to leave the club!).

The second and third teams were playing Wycombe, top in their respective leagues and very strong. The 2’s scored a couple of good goals, Shaun finishing neatly after Dame Bettsy had done all the hard work (according to himself - doesn’t sound like him to be honest) and he got the 2nd which strangely he went into no detail about. However the 2’s saved their best form for the Quiz Night where they supplied 3 teams! Kudos to skipper Cole who decided to use the night to work their Fines slush fund down, think they may have started a bit early i.e 4 hours before the quiz started and they were rocking by the start and didn’t feature at the top of the table (my source, Podge, was claiming to be in the best shape of his team (must be some strange shapes) saying Fry, Symes and Crabhands were censored ‘not at their best’
Controversial scenes at the end when the Westlakes having been declared winners were moved to 2nd when Mr and Mrs Shaggy’s team were awarded another point by Quiz supremo, Sherpa, who had struggled manfully to retain control of proceedings – mind you, not the easiest of tasks with the sbab-fuelled 2’s, Justin when he was conscious and a cheating Freddie. Very successful night, well done all!!!

Ah back to hockey, the 3’s, well all our fun was up front – Freddie’s amazed cry of ‘you’ve got a wife!!?!?!’ to Big Amit amused us all day. Good news was we had the water bottles – no water though – but the ball cage-thing was in the locked clubhouse leaving us with 2 balls – then the clubhouse was unlocked. Goody! Shag gets the balls, puts him in his car, then promptly doesn’t take his car so we arrive at RAF Naphill and are greeted with the sight of a smoking-hot Wycombe doing an award-winning warm-up (some snakey-12 man move ending up with some undercut/reverse smack) and they had about 800 balls – we found another ball, we had 3 balls!! One to warm up ‘keeper Ryan, and 2 for the rest of the motley crew. I’d love to report that we then wiped the floor with them (well I could but it wouldn’t be true!), no they are good but we did draw the last 20 minutes 1-all (Freddie scoring from our only shortie) and we had our best 5 mins when Gordo got sent off for the first time since I don’t know (15 years?) hitting the ball away at about 10 miles an hour (‘into the crowd’ as the umpire said – ok at Gordo speed along the ground – anyway, get off!) after they had hoofed the ball into the goal for number 8. Maybe I should get sent off more often…

4’s was obviously a toughie; long trek for no reward but they have done very well this season overall.

Just the 33 goals for the 5 matches the Red-and-Blacks were involved in this week – we’re losing our touch. Some excellent performances are hiding in these reverses, promise!
We had scratch teams out this week – 4 players missing from the 1’s alone – and in the circumstances, we should cut ourselves a bit of slack.
I played in the 3’s, umpired the 4’s and saw a fair bit of the 1’s so know none of these performances were poor – disappointing yes but not poor – and the words I heard on the 2’s and 5’s were encouraging.
Anyway…the 5s played Bracknell Terriers and went down by 6 but competed all game
The 4’s was hard work for a number of reasons – it poured down all game, we had a broadly inexperienced team and were playing a side – Birkbeck - that contained at least 2 players that would be in our first team and most of the rest would be in our 2’s! To only be down 3-1 at half time to a side like this is testimony to the effort and commitment and no little quality of our boys – unemployed male gigolo, Bobby Evans may have broken the world record for giving away penalties – 5 or 6* we were losing count – and we have the claim going into the Guinness people! Fingers crossed for the Bobster!
The 3’s had a really good game against Wokingham 2’s who are a good team – we took the lead with a BigAd whack - he also broke a lad’s shinpad with one of his 16’s - but they were soon back on level terms and were 3-1 up at the break. The second half was very tough for us as Wokingham attacked relentlessly and we defended relentlessly – it was actually good fun! Young Dom has come into the side recently and had a fantastic game – a Triumph for the Hillman Imp! We held them for the half although they probably should have had a 4th right at last knockings.
The 2’s played their best hockey in quite a few games and were 2-all for much of the game against Tring 1’s. Having gone 3-2 down, they immediately had a gilt-edged goal with Fry having a virtual open goal 7 yards out with the keeper prone and stranded – apparently he swung at it so hard (he could have pushed it in) he fell over and they managed to clear. Would like an update from one of the 2’s to better describe this effort – Podge said he had to laugh – anyway we lost 5-2 but they enjoyed the game.
Bit of a scare before the 1’s game against Banbury as Captain Lukey sustained a horrifying foot injury but he was a brave boy and played of course. For much of the first half, we had just as much of the game as the visitors with good forward play from the midfield and Jazz and Rhino up front – with both defences looking loose – but as in previous weeks, they scored and we didn’t though Jazz did net to make it 3-1, it wasn’t enough.

* may not be this many

Some top performances this week by the lower end of the club!

The 5’s had a terrific game against an experienced Eastcote team – bolstered by Jessica and BB, they went down by a single goal and should take a lot of heart from this performance

The 4’s had an amazing 8-goal thriller against Leighton Buzzard who apparently quote should thrash a 4^th team unquote and it looked they were right as they raced into a 3-goal lead before being pegged back by young Kam (who was very pleased with himself and was willing to buy a round to celebrate but was a little hindered by the fact he had no money – fortunately Uncle Mandip stepped up!!) and so he should as LB then went 4-1 up in the second half before Uncle M rattled home no. 2 himself. From that point, it was all Ashford and little Stef swept home no.3 before Luke or maybe Weapon X scored the equaliser with 10 mins to go and then run out of time pushing for what would have been a memorable winner.

The 3’s are finally off and running with a close-fought 2-1 win over fellow strugglers, GX – report at some point

The 2’s looked good again and had the game in the first 20 but leaked goals finally losing 7-2 while the 1’s made the long trip to Maidstone in horrible conditions for no reward as they had a similar story to the 2’s falling away in the second half to lose by 5 goals.

Well I think AHC  have sewn up the Hockey in the Community awards for another season with this weeks effort - 49 goals across the 5 games is a magnficent effort by the lads. The spectators definitely got their money’s worth - we should put the prices up - 2 14-goal thrillers, an 11 goal extravaganza, shame the 1’s could only contribute 4 goals.

If we had just had one more goal in the 5 games, we would have averaged 10 goals across the 5 Mens games - if you do this there is a little-known Hockey Law every team then gets 3 points for Outstanding Services to the Sport. As it is, we didn’t get too many…

Eastcote 2’s 6 Ashford 1

Ashford 3’s 0 City of Oxford 2’s 3

Maidenhead Magicians 3 Ashford 4’s 0

Ashford 5’s 3 (Lucas, Mr Singh, Weapon X) Amersham & Chalfont 5’s 1

The 3’s was disappointing – after the really encouraging games and performances of the previous 2 weeks against 2 decent teams, we were off the pace against an ordinary COO outfit – mind you, what do I know, they are top!! 0-0 at half time we couldn’t stretch their ‘keeper and that was the difference as although Ryan played well, the defence should have protected him better.

4’s a similar story to the 3’s – a very young team have done well this season but not at the races today – c’mon Mums, bed by 10 and get some breakfast in them!! although Stef is the exception, he gets enough food….

The 2’s have settled into a consistent run but not one they would want to continue.

Thank the higher powers of your choice for the fifth team! They played well against a feisty A&C team and came back from 1 down to win 3-1 convincingly, with goals from Mr Singh, Lucas and watch this space, I’ve forgotten….Jimbo ‘HP’ Berressem spent most of the game playing cricket shots but was somehow effective and hopefully we’ve got a useful new player.

Oxford Uni 4 Ashford 0

Ashford 2’s 1 Ramgharia 1’s 7

Aylesbury 2’s 5 Ashford 3’s 2 (Shaunie, Dame Bettsy)

Ashford 4’s 0 Thame 1’s 2

Ashford 5’s 0 Brunel Uni 1’s 9

Not a great day on the hockey pitch either.

The 1’s came down from their high the previous week with a quote ‘average’ performance against the Uni and can have no complaints, neither the 2’s who are still a work in progress.

The 3’s were on the end of a very unflattering scoreline, putting in an excellent performance twice we equalised through Shaunie and Sir Alex but twice we let them get back in front inside 2/3 mins of scoring. A c ouple of dodgy decisions and our fate was sealed.

The 4’s was real backs to the wall stuff against a very aggressive Thame (so maybe should be called Wild)  first team; they did really well and have settled the best out of the teams it looks.

The 5’s were playing a new uni team who are a few leagues below where they should be and in the circumstances did very well…anyway onwards and upwards (hopefully)…